Red flag means run. Early warning signs when dating.

So more often than not people tend to go for the same type of person time after time. We look for qualities such as honesty, integrity and openness.  But that’s not always what we find and a person will show you exactly who they are very early on in a relationship, from here we have two choices ignore them and keep going or actually pay attention to them a walk away before we become involved with them to the point we think we have fallen in love and then of course inevitably the heartache will follow. All you have to do is listen, and i mean really listen to the words and statements they use. I promise they will tell you everything you need to know.

Here is what you need to remember we are all responsible for our own choices be they right or wrong,  we are the ones to make them and as you know we become defined by our choices. So my advice in this article is how to spot relationship red flags early on allowing you to make a choice before we are too involved and invested in them.  Now some people are more tolerant than other but if these things are shown early on in a relationship just imagine how strong they will grow and become weeks months and years into the relationship so here we go the top red flags that should make you run for the hills.

Extreme Jealousy:   Now we all get jealous from time to time that’s a natural emotion that we all go through. However when it becomes apparent that they are becoming jealous of your friends, family and co-workers then you have to ask yourself if it is this extreme this early on what is going to be like a year from now.  Jealousy is given away in subtle comments or snide remarks about the people in your life.  If they start questioning your relationship with people and ask you to cut them from your life in order to please then its time to cut something from your life, THEM.

Overly Intense:  Ok lust kicks in and everyone wants to savour the moment but 20-30 texts and calls a day and night is just a bit extreme regardless how long the relationship has been going on for, remember for love to grow it has to start as a small ember and grow until it is a fire that can`t be put out.  If you don’t reply straight away and they send even more messages asking where are you, what you up to or question why you don’t reply straight away. Again you have to ask if they are behaving like this early on what are they going to expect later on. It is not normal to bombard someone all day every day with messages and calls regardless of the feelings involved.

Controlling: A relationship should be based on openness, honesty, trust and flexibility the key word here being flexibility. It should be a joint effort. One party shouldn’t be deciding where you go, what you wear, who you socialise with and decide your priorities in life. That’s your job and yours alone.  You have gotten this far in life managing your priorities and doing ok we shouldn’t be giving all of that over to someone because they flatter us. Look at how they react when they don’t get exactly what they want. Do they sulk, go quiet, ignore you, all of the tools an emotional manipulator uses in relationships. A good partner will be willing to compromise and work with you to be happy it won’t just be on their terms.

Listen to the words used: People will show you and tell you exactly how they are going to treat you early on, Listen to them and believe them they are telling and showing you exactly what is coming. Things they say should show and tell you everything you need to know for example. Has every ex-been crazy and stalkerish,  do they tell you they have been hurt in the past and won’t ever give everything to another relationship so they don’t get hurt again. Do they tell you that they are a strong person and that if anyone messes them about they are happy to cut ties on the spot walk away and never talk with them again? Do they say they expect you to make all the effort to impress them and when that’s done then they will give back?  Look at all those statements, they all tell you exactly what you need to know and they all say walk away before you get hurt.  Also look at empathy levels, empathy can be taught but if it is missing in an adult it will take a lot of work to get them to have it and I mean a lot of work.

Ex-partners: So when dating one of the golden rules is not to talk about ex-partners and do any sort of comparison to you. If they continuously talk about the ex and compare everything to them I would suggest they are not over them and again you won’t get the same amount of effort as you put in. Also, listen to how they talk about them or to them if you are around. Are they angry, rude, overly aggressive because whatever they are doing and however they are treating them that’s exactly how they are going to treat you if you ever become the ex ?

Values: Does this person share your values?  In reality, you can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t.  You have to have common ground, be interested or willing to compromise to become interested in the things each other like and enjoy.  If they think everything is crap and show no interest in the things you enjoy then it really isn’t going to amount to much later on.

And finally, listen to your gut feeling. If your gut tells you its wrong then trust me its wrong and you need to follow it. How many times have we ignored it and wished we didn’t. Your gut feeling is your intuition kicking in and screaming at you to walk away before it’s too late.

 

 

 

Revenge of the Ex, why you should keep away from craziness.

So as the silly season is upon us it`s usually around this time of year a vengeful or spiteful ex will raise their head to try and upset, ruin and even destroy your happiness. Now, this article is appropriate for all times of the year but particularly at the festive season. So here we give you an insight into whats coming and how you should deal and behave with it.

Stay away from the craziness 

From the moment you discard them and move on, or from the moment they see you have moved on, things are going to get pretty crazy for you and at this point, the only thing you need to do is keep away from it. Self-preservation here is key. Not engaging them is vital and as long as it doesn’t cause any major drama in your life, you simply ignore, smile and keep on keeping on. But the bitter Ex doesn’t   like to be ignored.

They need their actions to be justified and they need to see they are getting you down and making you think you’re worthless without them. They have to be the centre of the universe – but you have something they don’t. You have your self-respect, your dignity and your pride. It might not feel like it, but you do, and when pushed to the limits, they will kick in and that’s what will get you past the crazy stage. Thankfully, these people are predictable. You can judge what they are going to do before they even do it,  if you look at the relationship. They have already told you all the things they have done in the past because they think they are normal and are proud of them, so what we need to be doing is staying one step ahead of the game with them, no matter what’s said or done to you. These creatures are cold and calculating and have no remorse or feelings like you and I. That is their weakness. Let’s look at the last few years in this instance.

They are going to: 

Slander your name to everyone that will listen.

Call the police and claim you are doing something illegal.

Report you to any organisation they think will get you in trouble.

Try and belittle your self-worth by using Social media to hammer you and make the post public so you know it gets back to you.

Try and make a quick buck by selling stories to the press claiming they have been so scorned and abused the world should know.

Turn all your friends and even family against you.

Call your workplace or send anonymous letters to your boss claiming one thing or another.

Steal from you and try and ruin your business if you are self-employed.

Reach out to former partners to forge an alliance against you after all two minds are better than one.

Hack your email and social media in the hope they can dig up dirt to use against you.

And finally, reach out tell you they have changed and be nice only to try and steal anything they can to use against you should you decide to get brave and move on again.

Now they are so self-entitled and so stupid, they will put them on public forums for the world to read and put their name by it, but you have the law on your side in this case and that is cyberbullying by definition of the law. Inform the police; show them the post and keep all these things as proof and pass them on to your lawyer. Again, they are trying to drag you into crazy. DO NOT get annoyed or angry or fight back, as by doing this you just feed the beast. Starve the beast; don’t give it anything.  Soon it will waste away, as they say.

Other things to consider: be careful what you put on any email to them; they are all going to be posted on social media. Use a lawyer to contact them; if you can’t, then ignore them until you feel up to it. If you have children, it is worse because they have no shame. They will happily try and split you from them or turn them against you. All you can do is love them, tell them every day and let your actions with them speak much louder than their words ever could. As they grow older, they will see.  After a while, when things calm down, they might go quiet and you might get a peaceful year or two, but by no means are they finished, especially if word gets to them that you’re happy and moving on in life. They don’t want it and they will do everything in their power to change it.

Block, delete, look forward:  You made the choice that the relationship wasn’t for you, It wasn’t done on the spur of the moment and it was done for a very good reason. Keep those reasons in mind each and every time and do not look back or live in reverse. Happiness can and will come. We just need to keep the end goal in sight, keep focus and ignore everything they try and do to drag you back  to misery.

Serenity NLP are masters of difficult and demanding relationship abuse and recovery. If you are struggling and need help and guidance we really are just one call or text away on 07788119374or email us at  info@serenitynlp.com    We will leave you with this and the words are perfect please listen to them.

 

What is Anxiety, and why me ?

Anxiety is an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts and physical changes like increased blood pressure. People with anxiety disorders usually have recurring intrusive thoughts or concerns. They may avoid certain situations out of worry concern or fear.

So there we have it the definitive definition of Anxiety.  To me and you it`s just a bunch of words that someone came up with to describe the fear and emotions that eat at you every day if you suffer from it.   What it doesn’t state is that like any emotion, thought or feeling that it can be replaced as easy as it was created. How do we manage that, well that’s the best part YOU, yes you already have everything you need to defeat this crippling emotion and thought process that controls your day to day living. So let’s look at how we understand it and go about beating it.

Here is the first thing to remember, when we came into this earth we were born near on perfect with only two installed fears in us,  loud noises and the fear of falling. Yes, that’s right just look at babies and they are fearless they will crawl downstairs, stick fingers in plug sockets put all sorts of objects in their mouth they really are fearless. And that’s how we all started out, everything else has been taught, shown or externally learned.  One of the most debilitating is of course Anxiety but you were taught and shown that at some point. How would it be if we could reset and go back to the point where we didn’t worry about anxiety, panic or fear. Life would be pretty good right?  Well, believe it or not, you can and it is not as hard as you might think.

Here is what is going on:  The first thing I want to state is the biggest player in all of this is the most powerful element in your whole mind. The subconscious. You see the subconscious is such an amazing and powerful tool that we take it for granted on a daily basis and overlook the importance of it but it really does take care of the majority of your thoughts, feelings and behaviours.   In fact, it is responsible for up to 90% of our thinking and behaviour

Now the Subconscious mind belongs to you and you alone,  therefore everything it does it does with a very strong positive intention behind it. It will never hurt, damage or knowingly cause pain to you. Everything and I mean everything it does has a strong positive intention behind it including the Anxiety, worry and fear you are feeling. The behaviour part, however, is that part where the worry, fear and anxiety come from.

So the intention is good but the behaviour it has picked up on to enforce the positive intent is wrong.  So for example:   If you lack confidence because of certain beliefs that you have about yourself (that are stored in your subconscious mind) then you might start to feel anxious around people. That Anxiety will stop you putting yourself in new situations and around new people therefore if we don’t do that then we stay safe and protected and cant be hurt by negativity for example.  You see the intent has a strong positive intention behind it, it is to keep you safe and protected, the behaviour that it has adopted is simply the wrong behaviour for you.  So instead of spending hours upon hours of talking therapy why don’t we just go straight to the subconscious mind and simply change the behaviour. Would that not be a much better option rather than spend hundreds of pounds on talking therapies and not actually feeling much different at the end. You can decide that part for yourself I, however, will go straight to the behaviour change at the subconscious level each and every time Let me explain why.

So many people come in with the very same story, they have been in talking therapy for a while and they haven’t  really made any real noticeable progress,  (and again I have to state despite not being the biggest fan of talking based therapy it does have it`s  place as do all different types of therapy and every person is different and needs a different approach, if your predominte   learning system is auditory then talking therapy would have a higher chance of helping you)   So instead of talking everything over, getting you to re live the negativity, re experience all the pain and turmoil that brought the problem to you we just go straight to the subconcios  and change  the proces and behaviour  using NLP and Hypnotherapy techniques that are tried, tested and proven to be highly effective in the majority of cases.  It is just like pressing the reset button on your phone we take away all the negative behaviours and go back to factory settings where everything is much more simplified and easier to use and understand and in this case we remove the limiting beliefs and behaviours that are causing us the problems, we keep that positive intention and just simply change the behaviour. In a nutshell, we just get you to stand out of your own way and remove all those limiting beliefs and behaviours.

Serenity NLP has helped over 500 people in the last 6 months do exactly this and if you want to be one or find out more then please just get in touch today and we will work on you from the inside out.

Happiness really does happen by change, not chance.

 

 

 

 

Happiness, why only you should control it.

If I had a penny for everyone that gave control of their happiness to someone who totally messed it up I would have a rather nice country home in the Cotswolds with three dogs a cat and a hampster called bill.

You see it is not theirs to have, it is not theirs to look after and it is not theirs to control and because it is not theirs inevitably they will mess it up and in most cases break it. Your happiness belongs to you and should be determined by you and you alone. Giving that much power to someone is always going to end up in failure, so let me explain why.

Happiness is one of our most valued emotions:  Happiness is something we experience and grow to love and enjoy, it is much better than the other emotions that wash over us day to day and in a balanced life it is the one that is most prominent. It is the one that keeps us smiling and looking forward to life. It is such an important emotion that without it we would forever be down and saddened by everything around us. It should be cherished and nurtured and cared for each and every day and it is your job and yours alone to make sure that happens.

Others add they don’t make: I have heard many people in life say they just want someone to make them happy. Here is a news flash you are looking in the wrong place, the only person your happiness should be dependent upon is yourself. If we are looking for someone else to make that happen it really isn’t. You see other people may come along in life and add to your happiness but to count on them and depend on them to make it happen is destined to fail from the get-go.  We control our own happiness and we are as happy as we decide to be regardless of the circumstances surrounding us. We choose to be unhappy, we choose to be down and we blame the circumstances or others for it. The fact remains you can not control another person’s flawed actions but you definitely can control your reaction and we are defined by our actions. So remember we are in charge of our happiness and we allow others to add to it but definitely not define it.

Happiness by change, not chance:   We have all heard the saying  if at first you don’t succeed try try again, well that isn’t true in any way shape or form. How about we do this instead.

If at first, we don’t succeed, change the behaviour or method and then try try again.

You see determination and perseverance will only take you so far but if what we are doing and the way we are doing it isn’t working now or in the past then it`s not going to work in the future so if we are not happy we need to look at what we are doing and identify the behaviour or the action that is causing it, change it and go again, honestly you will be so surprised at the outcomes if you just change tact and go at it a different way. Remember happiness by change, not chance. The key word here is change.

We are as happy as we want to be:  This is something my mother used to tell me every time I was sad or down, and truth be told at the time I didn’t see it or understand it or even listen but it is definitely valid. You see we are emotionally lead beings and as I got older and slightly wiser(some would say not so much) I learned that this statement is very true, in fact, its spot on let me explain why.  Now as previously mentioned words will always equal a thought and a thought will always equal an emotion how we use our self-talk is vital. Try this out for size.

Close your eyes and tell your self-something good about yourself or something good you have achieved in life. (and yes everyone has something even a divorce petition if that’s where your mind takes you)

Did you catch it yes that was called a smile no matter how big or small,  really concentrate on the feeling that the positive statement gives you go on do it again and really concentrate and yes this time you can catch yourself smile.

Now tell your self-something on the reverse side of good and notice that heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach, your chest, your neck could be anywhere but notice the two distinct difference and all because of the words we choose to speak.  The message here is a really simple one, talk to your inner self the same as you would your children or a loved one. You wouldn’t go about putting them down, telling them they cant or belittling them all day long so my question here is. Why are you doing it to yourself? Change the negative for powerful and positive a good example of this is as follows.

I DONT KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO COME AT ME TODAY. BUT I ASSURE YOU I WILL FACE IT HEAD ON AND GIVE IT EVERYTHING I HAVE. So just for today lets do it diffrent and just be bloody kind to yourself for once.

Happines is such a beautiful and all consuming emotion that you really are doing yourself a disjustice in life by not having it so please remember today we will be as happy as we choose to be and it WILL come by change not chance.

 

 

 

What does it feel like to change a life.

As Serenity NLP Hypnotherapy and Coaching grow bigger each and every day, the question seems to be asked more and more. What does it feel like to totally change someone’s life?

I guess up until this moment I haven’t really sat down and thought about it. Before this way of life, some would say I only ever took and never gave but that wasn’t true, I always seized opportunities and moments that presented their self to me and never really thought about the consequences of my actions. So, it came as a surprise to me that on a very cold and wet windy Saturday night I finally am in a position to answer that question and also allow you to reflect and answer any unanswered questions you may have.

Let me just start by letting you know this journey we call life has taken many twists and turns for me over the past 41 years, some I got right and some I got wrong, very wrong but they were my choices to make and I have always and will always take full responsibility for them right or wrong. I am not some stuffy clinical psychotherapist or clinical hypnotherapist that sat in university supported by my parents to get a lovely shiny certificate to show everyone just how smart I am. I studied everything I know by trial and error and of course the British Army that I am very proud to have served in. Of course, I have also had to study to gain that coveted shiny certificate that shows the world my credentials but to me, it is just another piece of paper that hangs in a frame on a wall in an office. It, of course, allowed me the opportunity to pursue my passion and career after my time of never growing up ended.

Now I have travelled and been to nearly every continent on this planet and served with some of the bravest most amazing men and woman you could ever wish to meet. I have achieved grandeur in the Army and all at a very early age holding some of the most prestigious positions the Army had to offer. Everything I did I enjoyed, it gave me a kick out of doing it but only two things have ever given me what I get on a daily basis now. The first is being a Father and that fills me with everything I could ever wish for in every single way. I am extremely content with fatherhood and grew into it really quickly enjoying and loving every second of it and still do. That is my true happiness and that’s what makes me wake in the morning and go at the day with every single bit of drive determination and focus I can muster that day.  The Second is the answer to the question we are writing about now.

I can honestly tell you that I have never had a more humbling or sobering experience as when a client shifts and changes on the spot during a session. It is something of beauty, something of amazement and something I am eternally grateful for, it is also something I will never get bored of seeing and something I will never tyre of doing. You see when the person we are working with finally realises that the emotion or the issue they were facing isn’t etched in stone the look in their eyes is that of the purest form of enjoyment you will ever see.  Everyone comes in thinking the pattern or emotion or issue they are dealing with is set for life and they don’t often see a way our or even how they can change and that moment when reality hits home is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.  It is what can only be described as purity for the soul. TO change a life and give them hope, desire, focus, drive, confidence back is honestly the gift that deep down inside me will always keep on giving.

For me it is something that can’t be bought, it can’t be gifted, it can’t be compared to anything I have ever done before and that feeling lets me know that I am exactly in the right place in life now. For everyone reading this that has worked with Serenity NLP it makes perfect sense as you read and for the people who haven’t it probably doesn’t. But what is fact and can`t be argued with is that if you are in a position and want change then we are simply one call or message away from a whole new you.  Have a look at the clip below because this really is waiting for you.