So, after the last post we got a lot of questions asking us about more detailed do`s and dont`s when a conversation is not going how you expected it to. As we can’t speak for what the other person says or how they behave, we can guide you on what you should and shouldn’t do and some points to think about once the talking starts. Just like the four horsemen of the Apocalypse these 4 things will kill of a conversation quicker than it began and should be avoided at all costs.
Criticism: When you criticize your partner, you are basically implying that there is something wrong with them. You have taken a problem between you and put it inside your partner’s body. Using the words: “You always” or “you never” are common ways to criticize. Your partner is most likely to feel under attack and to respond defensively. This is a dangerous pattern to get into because neither person feels heard and both may begin to feel bad about themselves in the presence of the other. The antidote to criticism is to make a direct complaint that is not a global attack on your partner’s personality.
Going on the defensive: When you attempt to defend yourself from a perceived attack with a counter complaint you are being defensive. Another way to be defensive is to act like an innocent victim. Unfortunately, defensiveness keeps partners from taking responsibility for problems and escalates negative communication. Even if your partner is criticizing you, defensiveness is not the way to go. It will only fuel a bad exchange. The antidote to defensiveness is to try to hear your partner’s complaint and to take some responsibility for the problem
Contempt: Contempt is any statement or nonverbal behavior that puts yourself on a higher ground than your partner. Mocking your partner, calling them names, rolling your eyes and sneering in disgust are all examples of contempt. Of all the horsemen, contempt is the most serious. Couples have to realize that these types of put downs will destroy the fondness and admiration between them. The antidote to contempt is to lower your tolerance for contemptuous statements and behaviors and to actively work on building a culture of appreciation in the relationship. Is it easy? No. Can it be done? Yes. We at Serenity NLP can show you how to master this art with our relationship coach.
Ignorance is bliss: Ignorance happens when the listener withdraws from the conversation. They might actually physically leave or they might just stop tracking the conversation and appear to shut down. It may look like they don’t care (80% are men) but that usually isn’t the case. Typically, they are overwhelmed and are trying to calm themselves. Unfortunately, this seldom works because the partner, especially if a woman, is likely to assume they don’t care enough about the problem to talk about it. It can be a vicious circle with one person demanding to talk and the other looking for escape. The antidote is to learn to identify the signs that you or your partner is starting to feel emotionally overwhelmed and to agree together to take a break. If the problem, still needs to be discussed then pick it up when you are calmer.
As always I hope this helps when getting in to a conversation and try to bear them in mind when things get heated.
Have a great day whatever your doing
